I apologize for not writing in quite awhile. I don't particularly know who I am apologizing too but I like to fantasize that somewhere out there, someone reads this.
Been studying Buddhism about 4 or 5 months now and find it very interesting. Got my first pair of customized mala beads recently. They are gorgeous, will have to post a pic of them soon.
Since I last posted here, some things in my life have changed. I aquired two beautiful pet rats. Females named Princess Ruby Sativa and Royal Duchess Victoria. I love them.
Also, I have started a new relationship - began in October of 2010. I have known him for about a year already but only because he dropped his nephew off at an old daycare I worked at before. Now I really know him as a person. He is wonderful. Loves heavy metal, motorcycles, and has some wonderful tattoos which reminds me, I finally got MY first tat in December 2010! Will have to post pics of that too.
Still going to group therapy but think after these sessions end I won't be going back for awhile.
I have lost 5 lbs since beginning of January 2011 and aiming to lose 10 more by March 2011 and tone my body. It is hard but I can see small improvements everyday. I refuse to dislike what I see in the mirror.
Today it is rainy and grey outside. I feel more calm on dark and rainy days.
Will try to write again tomorrow! Follow me on twitter @ missnikkidotcom !!
Sent from Miss Nikki
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I am whatever you say I am
It's funny and maybe a bit cliche to some, but listening to Eminem really seems to help me release my angry emotions in a positive way. Has for years.
Imagine this - a skinny little white gal trying to crump and rap at the same time, all while feeling the instense emotions of the lyrics. To me that paints a funny pic, but I guess it's not much different from Marshall Mathers himself, the only difference being his sex.
When I listen to those fantasies of killing and torturing and getting revenge on those people in life who have hurt you, it really makes me feel better to listen to. I guess it is because I have been told my whole life that those thoughts I have of hurting others who have hurt me, are BAD thoughts, and should not be voiced.
I never acted or act on any of my thoughts of "hurting" people, and I believe it is perfectly fine to voice your thoughts. In fact, I think some of the serial killers out there probably had to suppress those feelings, and they wouldn't have lashed out by murdering if someone had just listened to them.
If you have thoughts of bringing pain upon others, believe me you are not alone, it's just when those thoughts turn to impulses and actions against others that you should be getting major professional help right away. I believe there is nothing wrong with voicing your thoughts to the appropriate person: therapist, confidant, best friend who understands who you really are, just don't actually go out there and beat people to death.
Thanks Eminem for helpin me realease some angry emotions today and I recommend his music to anyone else needing to get some shit off their chest.
Imagine this - a skinny little white gal trying to crump and rap at the same time, all while feeling the instense emotions of the lyrics. To me that paints a funny pic, but I guess it's not much different from Marshall Mathers himself, the only difference being his sex.
When I listen to those fantasies of killing and torturing and getting revenge on those people in life who have hurt you, it really makes me feel better to listen to. I guess it is because I have been told my whole life that those thoughts I have of hurting others who have hurt me, are BAD thoughts, and should not be voiced.
I never acted or act on any of my thoughts of "hurting" people, and I believe it is perfectly fine to voice your thoughts. In fact, I think some of the serial killers out there probably had to suppress those feelings, and they wouldn't have lashed out by murdering if someone had just listened to them.
If you have thoughts of bringing pain upon others, believe me you are not alone, it's just when those thoughts turn to impulses and actions against others that you should be getting major professional help right away. I believe there is nothing wrong with voicing your thoughts to the appropriate person: therapist, confidant, best friend who understands who you really are, just don't actually go out there and beat people to death.
Thanks Eminem for helpin me realease some angry emotions today and I recommend his music to anyone else needing to get some shit off their chest.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Fight the Fear
I have been inspired by 24 hours newspaper columnist Michael Schratter this morning. Right now he is doing something great: he is riding his bicycle around the world in an effort to fight against the stigma that people like me, with a mental illness, suffer from everyday.
In today's article he talked about how he met a family and a waitress who felt so empowered when they all spoke openly about their troubles with mental illness, and bipolar disorder, etc. I find myself hardly ever feeling empowered to talk about my feelings. Perhaps this is because my only close source of support, my mother, encourages me to push my feelings into the back of my mind, down into the pit of my stomach, so I will not act on or get emotional about those feelings.
I go to group therapy once a week, and although I do find it helpful and I am not judged when I speak about my feelings and emotional outbursts there, it is not the same as having your own mother support you and say "It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay." My mother does not say that to me. She supports me (when I need it, because I do work full time afterall) financially sometimes, and helps me clean up around the house when I have little to no motivation, but it is the emotional support I need more than anything, and all she gives in that respect, are lectures about not getting "angry" about my feelings and thoughts.
I don't know what to do at this point. The other day, I walked out of my place of employment because my boss was talking to me in a very rude manner, and accusing me of something I did not do. I could feel my anger rising, and I knew if I did not leave that something bad may happen. After I left, I called my mom to cry and talk to her. Did I get any sympathy? No. Did I hear her say any words of comfort? No. All I heard was "stop yelling right now! Stop that!"
If ANYONE knows someone with mental illness, you know that "Stop that!" is only going to escalate the situation, or cause the person to delve deeper into themselves, pushing their problems down deeper, until the problems overflow and the person has an outburst.
Am I being a whiner, wishing my own mother would support me emotionally? I don't think so. But let me know what you think ....
I believe I have a legitimate need for this support, but she doesn't see it that way. I think she is in denial that I actually am "mentally ill" (although highly functioning at that) and just thinks I am being an ass.
Thankyou to Michael Schratter from 24 hours news this morning for making me realize I am not alone.
In today's article he talked about how he met a family and a waitress who felt so empowered when they all spoke openly about their troubles with mental illness, and bipolar disorder, etc. I find myself hardly ever feeling empowered to talk about my feelings. Perhaps this is because my only close source of support, my mother, encourages me to push my feelings into the back of my mind, down into the pit of my stomach, so I will not act on or get emotional about those feelings.
I go to group therapy once a week, and although I do find it helpful and I am not judged when I speak about my feelings and emotional outbursts there, it is not the same as having your own mother support you and say "It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay." My mother does not say that to me. She supports me (when I need it, because I do work full time afterall) financially sometimes, and helps me clean up around the house when I have little to no motivation, but it is the emotional support I need more than anything, and all she gives in that respect, are lectures about not getting "angry" about my feelings and thoughts.
I don't know what to do at this point. The other day, I walked out of my place of employment because my boss was talking to me in a very rude manner, and accusing me of something I did not do. I could feel my anger rising, and I knew if I did not leave that something bad may happen. After I left, I called my mom to cry and talk to her. Did I get any sympathy? No. Did I hear her say any words of comfort? No. All I heard was "stop yelling right now! Stop that!"
If ANYONE knows someone with mental illness, you know that "Stop that!" is only going to escalate the situation, or cause the person to delve deeper into themselves, pushing their problems down deeper, until the problems overflow and the person has an outburst.
Am I being a whiner, wishing my own mother would support me emotionally? I don't think so. But let me know what you think ....
I believe I have a legitimate need for this support, but she doesn't see it that way. I think she is in denial that I actually am "mentally ill" (although highly functioning at that) and just thinks I am being an ass.
Thankyou to Michael Schratter from 24 hours news this morning for making me realize I am not alone.
Monday, July 12, 2010
What do you want from me?
My life is an endless circle of pain. It is how I will choose to use that pain to my advantage that will determine how my life will end up.
Right now I don't know what the hell to do with it all. My job does not satisfy me, my "love life" does not satisfy me, and my own mind can't seem to fill the voids that keep popping up in my psyche.
I have recently been reading about Buddhism and I think it could be a useful tool in helping me to become a better and happier person. Only time will tell.
I did have one fairly positive day about two weeks ago, when I went to the movie theatre with my mum to see Toy Story 3. Afterwords, we went to Build a Bear Workshop and made an awesome stuffed monkey which I named Sookie. I wonder if you can guess why I named her that... If you can guess, post in the comments section, and if you are right... I wil give you a cookie!
Think Positive. I'm trying.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Monday, June 28, 2010
Accept the things you cannot change
I am so unhappy with my life. I feel like I am sixteen years old all over again.
As you may have previously read, I met someone whom I thought I might get along well with. This person asked me to be his girlfriend officially after 3 days of knowing me, and I said we should get to know eachother better first. Eff, am I ever glad I made THAT brilliant decision.
After knowing eachother for almost 2 weeks, he began to ignore my phonecalls and make excuses. Eventually, this Sunday, he told me that we never should have met each other. That our lifestyles are too "different" you might say. He is a Christian. I am not. This was very abrupt and I was totally taken aback. He is also younger so I am sure his family played a role in this as well.
Even now, sitting outside the same place where we first met on my break, I have a very tiny hope that he would pull up in his car and apologize and beg me for another chance. Stupid, I know. Wishful thinking.
I guess we all have this idea that Christians are supposed to be upstanding people, so maybe I was a bit jaded in thinking he was just a really nice guy. Not only did he lie, but he hurt my feelings pretty badly.
Now I have to be at work, dealing with this stupid inner turmoil and pretending everything is fine. It is even harder when my coworkers are making silly decisions and annoying me to boot.
I am about ready to give up on my romantic life all together. Every man I have met thus far has not improved my impression of the gender.
I don't know what to do
As you may have previously read, I met someone whom I thought I might get along well with. This person asked me to be his girlfriend officially after 3 days of knowing me, and I said we should get to know eachother better first. Eff, am I ever glad I made THAT brilliant decision.
After knowing eachother for almost 2 weeks, he began to ignore my phonecalls and make excuses. Eventually, this Sunday, he told me that we never should have met each other. That our lifestyles are too "different" you might say. He is a Christian. I am not. This was very abrupt and I was totally taken aback. He is also younger so I am sure his family played a role in this as well.
Even now, sitting outside the same place where we first met on my break, I have a very tiny hope that he would pull up in his car and apologize and beg me for another chance. Stupid, I know. Wishful thinking.
I guess we all have this idea that Christians are supposed to be upstanding people, so maybe I was a bit jaded in thinking he was just a really nice guy. Not only did he lie, but he hurt my feelings pretty badly.
Now I have to be at work, dealing with this stupid inner turmoil and pretending everything is fine. It is even harder when my coworkers are making silly decisions and annoying me to boot.
I am about ready to give up on my romantic life all together. Every man I have met thus far has not improved my impression of the gender.
I don't know what to do
Monday, June 21, 2010
Why we always say goodbye
Wrote this on Saturday...
I have learned a lot of things regarding my "love life" in the past couple weeks. You most definitley cannot control or put into place when you will meet someone who just might be right.
It is an absolutely glorious, sun filled day, and right now, sitting outside on my deck tanning my pasty whites, I haven't felt this peaceful in awhile. I love Saturday mornings.
You can meet new people in the strangest of places. For example, at a gas station, when you don't even own a vehicle.
On my lunch break this week, I went to my usual cigarette spot, behind a gas station across from work. Minding my own business, he stopped for a cigarette next to me and struck up a conversation, which eventually led to him asking for my number. He seemed shy, and like he may not have done that a lot, otherwise I probably wouldn't have given it to him.
He has already called and we have already spent some fun times together. He is very different from me which, in the end, could be a good thing. I don't know where this is going, but right now, I'm just gunna go with it.
So I guess my advice to anyone at all who cares is this: we all need to stop trying to control in our lives what we cannot. When we least expect it, it will happen.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
I have learned a lot of things regarding my "love life" in the past couple weeks. You most definitley cannot control or put into place when you will meet someone who just might be right.
It is an absolutely glorious, sun filled day, and right now, sitting outside on my deck tanning my pasty whites, I haven't felt this peaceful in awhile. I love Saturday mornings.
You can meet new people in the strangest of places. For example, at a gas station, when you don't even own a vehicle.
On my lunch break this week, I went to my usual cigarette spot, behind a gas station across from work. Minding my own business, he stopped for a cigarette next to me and struck up a conversation, which eventually led to him asking for my number. He seemed shy, and like he may not have done that a lot, otherwise I probably wouldn't have given it to him.
He has already called and we have already spent some fun times together. He is very different from me which, in the end, could be a good thing. I don't know where this is going, but right now, I'm just gunna go with it.
So I guess my advice to anyone at all who cares is this: we all need to stop trying to control in our lives what we cannot. When we least expect it, it will happen.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Monday, June 7, 2010
Don't call my name, don't bother me
So I'm a bit pissed off. Just about to finish a blog entry about a very cruel experience that I underwent this past weekend, however I lost it somehow in the world of crackberry. Now, I have little to no motivation to tell you all the story all over again. All I can do is give you some advice, and urge you all, men or women, to protect yourselves from liars and manipulators roaming the dating website, plentyoffish.com
I met up with someone I believed to be a genuine, nice guy. Let's just say I was wrong, and after being avoided for a whole week and given tons of excuses as to why he couldn't meet with me again, he assured me he was still interested... Then dropped me, and told me in so many words that he would not be seeing me again.
Men; make up your minds. Be straight up; don't tell a girl you are looking for a good woman, or that you are sick of being single, when in reality you haven't gotten laid in a year and are just a lonely sad sack.
My whole life I have been affected negatively by men who do not appreciate me for the sensitive yet strong and passionate woman that I am. I am so tired of this vicious circle. I have been single a little over a year now, which is very long for me, and although I am very young I still feel the need to settle down. I hope one day to meet someone who can truly compliment myself, and be a better half for me. Maybe you think it silly, a girl just longing for love... But what good would life be without love?
I met up with someone I believed to be a genuine, nice guy. Let's just say I was wrong, and after being avoided for a whole week and given tons of excuses as to why he couldn't meet with me again, he assured me he was still interested... Then dropped me, and told me in so many words that he would not be seeing me again.
Men; make up your minds. Be straight up; don't tell a girl you are looking for a good woman, or that you are sick of being single, when in reality you haven't gotten laid in a year and are just a lonely sad sack.
My whole life I have been affected negatively by men who do not appreciate me for the sensitive yet strong and passionate woman that I am. I am so tired of this vicious circle. I have been single a little over a year now, which is very long for me, and although I am very young I still feel the need to settle down. I hope one day to meet someone who can truly compliment myself, and be a better half for me. Maybe you think it silly, a girl just longing for love... But what good would life be without love?
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