I am whatever you say I am

It's funny and maybe a bit cliche to some, but listening to Eminem really seems to help me release my angry emotions in a positive way. Has for years.

Imagine this - a skinny little white gal trying to crump and rap at the same time, all while feeling the instense emotions of the lyrics. To me that paints a funny pic, but I guess it's not much different from Marshall Mathers himself, the only difference being his sex.

When I listen to those fantasies of killing and torturing and getting revenge on those people in life who have hurt you, it really makes me feel better to listen to. I guess it is because I have been told my whole life that those thoughts I have of hurting others who have hurt me, are BAD thoughts, and should not be voiced.

I never acted or act on any of my thoughts of "hurting" people, and I believe it is perfectly fine to voice your thoughts. In fact, I think some of the serial killers out there probably had to suppress those feelings, and they wouldn't have lashed out by murdering if someone had just listened to them.

If you have thoughts of bringing pain upon others, believe me you are not alone, it's just when those thoughts turn to impulses and actions against others that you should be getting major professional help right away. I believe there is nothing wrong with voicing your thoughts to the appropriate person: therapist, confidant, best friend who understands who you really are, just don't actually go out there and beat people to death.

Thanks Eminem for helpin me realease some angry emotions today and I recommend his music to anyone else needing to get some shit off their chest.

Fight the Fear

I have been inspired by 24 hours newspaper columnist Michael Schratter this morning. Right now he is doing something great: he is riding his bicycle around the world in an effort to fight against the stigma that people like me, with a mental illness, suffer from everyday.

In today's article he talked about how he met a family and a waitress who felt so empowered when they all spoke openly about their troubles with mental illness, and bipolar disorder, etc. I find myself hardly ever feeling empowered to talk about my feelings. Perhaps this is because my only close source of support, my mother, encourages me to push my feelings into the back of my mind, down into the pit of my stomach, so I will not act on or get emotional about those feelings.

I go to group therapy once a week, and although I do find it helpful and I am not judged when I speak about my feelings and emotional outbursts there, it is not the same as having your own mother support you and say "It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay." My mother does not say that to me. She supports me (when I need it, because I do work full time afterall) financially sometimes, and helps me clean up around the house when I have little to no motivation, but it is the emotional support I need more than anything, and all she gives in that respect, are lectures about not getting "angry" about my feelings and thoughts.

I don't know what to do at this point. The other day, I walked out of my place of employment because my boss was talking to me in a very rude manner, and accusing me of something I did not do. I could feel my anger rising, and I knew if I did not leave that something bad may happen. After I left, I called my mom to cry and talk to her. Did I get any sympathy? No. Did I hear her say any words of comfort? No. All I heard was "stop yelling right now! Stop that!"

If ANYONE knows someone with mental illness, you know that "Stop that!" is only going to escalate the situation, or cause the person to delve deeper into themselves, pushing their problems down deeper, until the problems overflow and the person has an outburst.

Am I being a whiner, wishing my own mother would support me emotionally? I don't think so. But let me know what you think ....

I believe I have a legitimate need for this support, but she doesn't see it that way. I think she is in denial that I actually am "mentally ill" (although highly functioning at that) and just thinks I am being an ass.

Thankyou to Michael Schratter from 24 hours news this morning for making me realize I am not alone.