Fight the Fear

I have been inspired by 24 hours newspaper columnist Michael Schratter this morning. Right now he is doing something great: he is riding his bicycle around the world in an effort to fight against the stigma that people like me, with a mental illness, suffer from everyday.

In today's article he talked about how he met a family and a waitress who felt so empowered when they all spoke openly about their troubles with mental illness, and bipolar disorder, etc. I find myself hardly ever feeling empowered to talk about my feelings. Perhaps this is because my only close source of support, my mother, encourages me to push my feelings into the back of my mind, down into the pit of my stomach, so I will not act on or get emotional about those feelings.

I go to group therapy once a week, and although I do find it helpful and I am not judged when I speak about my feelings and emotional outbursts there, it is not the same as having your own mother support you and say "It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay." My mother does not say that to me. She supports me (when I need it, because I do work full time afterall) financially sometimes, and helps me clean up around the house when I have little to no motivation, but it is the emotional support I need more than anything, and all she gives in that respect, are lectures about not getting "angry" about my feelings and thoughts.

I don't know what to do at this point. The other day, I walked out of my place of employment because my boss was talking to me in a very rude manner, and accusing me of something I did not do. I could feel my anger rising, and I knew if I did not leave that something bad may happen. After I left, I called my mom to cry and talk to her. Did I get any sympathy? No. Did I hear her say any words of comfort? No. All I heard was "stop yelling right now! Stop that!"

If ANYONE knows someone with mental illness, you know that "Stop that!" is only going to escalate the situation, or cause the person to delve deeper into themselves, pushing their problems down deeper, until the problems overflow and the person has an outburst.

Am I being a whiner, wishing my own mother would support me emotionally? I don't think so. But let me know what you think ....

I believe I have a legitimate need for this support, but she doesn't see it that way. I think she is in denial that I actually am "mentally ill" (although highly functioning at that) and just thinks I am being an ass.

Thankyou to Michael Schratter from 24 hours news this morning for making me realize I am not alone.

What do you want from me?

My life is an endless circle of pain. It is how I will choose to use that pain to my advantage that will determine how my life will end up.

Right now I don't know what the hell to do with it all. My job does not satisfy me, my "love life" does not satisfy me, and my own mind can't seem to fill the voids that keep popping up in my psyche.

I have recently been reading about Buddhism and I think it could be a useful tool in helping me to become a better and happier person. Only time will tell.

I did have one fairly positive day about two weeks ago, when I went to the movie theatre with my mum to see Toy Story 3. Afterwords, we went to Build a Bear Workshop and made an awesome stuffed monkey which I named Sookie. I wonder if you can guess why I named her that... If you can guess, post in the comments section, and if you are right... I wil give you a cookie!

Think Positive. I'm trying.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Accept the things you cannot change

I am so unhappy with my life. I feel like I am sixteen years old all over again.

As you may have previously read, I met someone whom I thought I might get along well with. This person asked me to be his girlfriend officially after 3 days of knowing me, and I said we should get to know eachother better first. Eff, am I ever glad I made THAT brilliant decision.

After knowing eachother for almost 2 weeks, he began to ignore my phonecalls and make excuses. Eventually, this Sunday, he told me that we never should have met each other. That our lifestyles are too "different" you might say. He is a Christian. I am not. This was very abrupt and I was totally taken aback. He is also younger so I am sure his family played a role in this as well.

Even now, sitting outside the same place where we first met on my break, I have a very tiny hope that he would pull up in his car and apologize and beg me for another chance. Stupid, I know. Wishful thinking.

I guess we all have this idea that Christians are supposed to be upstanding people, so maybe I was a bit jaded in thinking he was just a really nice guy. Not only did he lie, but he hurt my feelings pretty badly.

Now I have to be at work, dealing with this stupid inner turmoil and pretending everything is fine. It is even harder when my coworkers are making silly decisions and annoying me to boot.

I am about ready to give up on my romantic life all together. Every man I have met thus far has not improved my impression of the gender.

I don't know what to do

Why we always say goodbye

Wrote this on Saturday...
I have learned a lot of things regarding my "love life" in the past couple weeks. You most definitley cannot control or put into place when you will meet someone who just might be right.

It is an absolutely glorious, sun filled day, and right now, sitting outside on my deck tanning my pasty whites, I haven't felt this peaceful in awhile. I love Saturday mornings.

You can meet new people in the strangest of places. For example, at a gas station, when you don't even own a vehicle.

On my lunch break this week, I went to my usual cigarette spot, behind a gas station across from work. Minding my own business, he stopped for a cigarette next to me and struck up a conversation, which eventually led to him asking for my number. He seemed shy, and like he may not have done that a lot, otherwise I probably wouldn't have given it to him.

He has already called and we have already spent some fun times together. He is very different from me which, in the end, could be a good thing. I don't know where this is going, but right now, I'm just gunna go with it.

So I guess my advice to anyone at all who cares is this: we all need to stop trying to control in our lives what we cannot. When we least expect it, it will happen.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Don't call my name, don't bother me

So I'm a bit pissed off. Just about to finish a blog entry about a very cruel experience that I underwent this past weekend, however I lost it somehow in the world of crackberry. Now, I have little to no motivation to tell you all the story all over again. All I can do is give you some advice, and urge you all, men or women, to protect yourselves from liars and manipulators roaming the dating website, plentyoffish.com

I met up with someone I believed to be a genuine, nice guy. Let's just say I was wrong, and after being avoided for a whole week and given tons of excuses as to why he couldn't meet with me again, he assured me he was still interested... Then dropped me, and told me in so many words that he would not be seeing me again.

Men; make up your minds. Be straight up; don't tell a girl you are looking for a good woman, or that you are sick of being single, when in reality you haven't gotten laid in a year and are just a lonely sad sack.

My whole life I have been affected negatively by men who do not appreciate me for the sensitive yet strong and passionate woman that I am. I am so tired of this vicious circle. I have been single a little over a year now, which is very long for me, and although I am very young I still feel the need to settle down. I hope one day to meet someone who can truly compliment myself, and be a better half for me. Maybe you think it silly, a girl just longing for love... But what good would life be without love?

Scaredy cat

I don't know why I limit myself so much and then complain about what I am not able to do. For example, I was to meet with a guy tonight for a casual "date". It was all planned out and my house was super tidy! It still is. Only no one else will see that tonight because today at lunch I discovered I had no money in the bank, and my plans of getting snacks and such to entertain said guy went straight down the toilet with my mood. Upon discovering my insufficient funds, I promptly cancelled the date because if everything cannot be as I pictured it, why bother?

Now yes, I realize that the guy probably wouldn't have given a rat's ass about what snacks I had laying about, but because one thing did not fall into place as I thought it would, I force myself to forget the whole thing. Luckily the guy I was meeting was nice about it.

I do this to myself in other areas of life as well, not just in my romantic life. I found out today that I really don't make enough money to live in the apartment I love so much, and that if I don't start making more money soon I will be struggling like I am right now for many more years to come. I refuse to get a room mate because I like living alone and love my privacy. My current boss certainly will not be offering up a raise anytime soon, and so far my attempts at freelance writing have gone nowhere. So here I am limiting myself again.

Maybe I should just be a suicide girl. http://www.suicidegirls.com to people who don't know this site, no I am not threatening to kill myself. Hah. Have a nice day.

LOST: Final Transmission

Tonight is the series finale of "Lost". For many people like myself, "Lost" is a major escape from crappy real life, once a week. So in other words, I'm depressed about the ending of it all. I almost have a feeling akin to the one I had when Buffy the Vamp Slayer ended after 7 seasons of pure tv awesomeness.



*sigh* In other, more happy news, I got two new novels today. Eclipse (from the Twilight series) and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Eclipse I got because I simply MUST read it before the movie comes out which I think is this June or July. Dragon Tattoo I got because of the third installment (there are three in the series of this "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) ... but I cannot read books out of order, no no. So I got the first one which will eventually lead me to the third, which seemed the most interesting.

I found a great app the other day on my iPod Touch - it is called the Gratitude journal app, with a cute lil picture of a cartoon buddha. You gather your "happy" moments of each day, then rate your day and see which days are your best, and look at your past days to see the awesome things about each one. I really need this app because I think negatively most of the time and need to start looking more closely at the good.

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!

Tata for now.