Fight the Fear

I have been inspired by 24 hours newspaper columnist Michael Schratter this morning. Right now he is doing something great: he is riding his bicycle around the world in an effort to fight against the stigma that people like me, with a mental illness, suffer from everyday.

In today's article he talked about how he met a family and a waitress who felt so empowered when they all spoke openly about their troubles with mental illness, and bipolar disorder, etc. I find myself hardly ever feeling empowered to talk about my feelings. Perhaps this is because my only close source of support, my mother, encourages me to push my feelings into the back of my mind, down into the pit of my stomach, so I will not act on or get emotional about those feelings.

I go to group therapy once a week, and although I do find it helpful and I am not judged when I speak about my feelings and emotional outbursts there, it is not the same as having your own mother support you and say "It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay." My mother does not say that to me. She supports me (when I need it, because I do work full time afterall) financially sometimes, and helps me clean up around the house when I have little to no motivation, but it is the emotional support I need more than anything, and all she gives in that respect, are lectures about not getting "angry" about my feelings and thoughts.

I don't know what to do at this point. The other day, I walked out of my place of employment because my boss was talking to me in a very rude manner, and accusing me of something I did not do. I could feel my anger rising, and I knew if I did not leave that something bad may happen. After I left, I called my mom to cry and talk to her. Did I get any sympathy? No. Did I hear her say any words of comfort? No. All I heard was "stop yelling right now! Stop that!"

If ANYONE knows someone with mental illness, you know that "Stop that!" is only going to escalate the situation, or cause the person to delve deeper into themselves, pushing their problems down deeper, until the problems overflow and the person has an outburst.

Am I being a whiner, wishing my own mother would support me emotionally? I don't think so. But let me know what you think ....

I believe I have a legitimate need for this support, but she doesn't see it that way. I think she is in denial that I actually am "mentally ill" (although highly functioning at that) and just thinks I am being an ass.

Thankyou to Michael Schratter from 24 hours news this morning for making me realize I am not alone.